The Meadow Room - THE TOOL BOX

THE TOOL BOX

Conflict is uncomfortable and scary, but it is a part of relationship, a valuable part.  It often unveils a treasure, a bit of information about the other person (or ourselves), that gives us a deeper understanding, creating new bonds, and strengthening our connections.

At a recent conference we heard about a classroom using a small suitcase with suggestions for solving conflicts between children in play. We liked that it made the solutions more concrete for the children. We adapted the model to our philosophies, having the children generate their own ideas. We call it a TOOLBOX for fixing problems. We hoped that making the ideas more concrete would make solutions to conflict more accessible to them.

Early in the year we asked the children to think of ideas for the box. We wrote them on cards and invited the children to illustrate them. We keep the cards in a box on a shelf within reach.

 


When conflict occurs we give the children some time to solve the problem, but if they are stuck we ask if they would like to get the toolbox, which they have been very excited to do. We look at the cards one by one. The children involved, and often onlookers too, decide if any of the ideas will help. If there are none that they can agree on, they continue to generate new ideas, and as they do, we increase the tools in our box.

The children have begun to seek the box for help on their own.  It has become a tool that they know they can turn to. We are hoping they will begin to assimilate the individual ideas into their own internal toolbox, so that they no longer need the cards and so the ideas are available to them at any time.

Something we have noticed that we did not anticipate, is that the children are much more willing to tackle conflicts when they arise.  We think there are two reasons: 1 - we hypothesize that the tool box makes the conflict less emotional and less personal, it is seen as a problem outside of themselves. 2 - they are thinking and working together to solve the problem, so that instead of feeling like players on opposite teams, they come together on the same team working to solve the problem.  

I can't help but wonder about other ways the tool box might be helping.  The other day I watched two children in conflict, one in heartfelt tears and the other unwilling to let go of their idea.  Interestingly, the child who held tight to her position was the one to get the box.  I watched the most amazing transformation.  Within less than 2 minutes the tears slowed, then stopped, and turned to joyful laughter as they ruled out one card after the other.  They did not resolve the problem, but they found a way to reconnect, to come back into relationship and went off together to some other happier activity.  I wonder if the transformation occurred simply because the wounded child felt the care of her friend.  I know it is true for myself, that in my deepest upset, solutions are not so important as just being heard and understood.  I am reminded of the proverb - "Trouble shared is half the trouble, joy shared is twice the joy".   It is almost magical how relief comes from really being heard.

   Things we wonder - 
One of our original questions around relationship was - "how can we bring grace to children in conflict?"  We wonder if the tool box will help in that goal.

We know that the tool box brings conflict resolution into metacognition.  But does providing external support in any way diminish the children's ability to draw on the skills they have already internalized? 

What do you think?

If you have heard the children reference the tool box we would love to know about it.  

12-3-12
Teacher - "Hey, what are you doing with the toolbox, is there a problem?"
Child, returning the box to the shelf - "Yeah, but we figured it out"